05.21.03 - America's Leaky Ass
Let's be honest there's nothing funnier than anal leakage, is there? Mark, you might be saying to yourself right now, what on Earth are you talking about? What is this anal leakage that you speak of? That's a very good question my ill-informed reader. Some of you may have heard of a fabulous product called, Olestra. Olestra is an oil substitute that some companies are now using in their fat-free style chips. On the package for these chips there used to be a warning that said that Olestra may cause, and I quote, anal leakage.

Let's examine that a little more, shall we? What they're saying is that when you eat these chips your ass will leak. Do you mind if I repeat that for the short attention-span reader? Your ass will leak! Now why would you want to do that to yourself?! I don't care how fat I get, no matter how morbidly obese I may be, no matter how closely I resemble Orson Welles, I never want my ass to start leaking an oily discharge, or anything for that matter!

So how much anal leakage is there? Is it a small tiny amount that for all purposes you may never even notice? Or is it a flowing river of oily discharge running down your leg for the world to see and be disgusted by? Either way I can't see why people would eat this, and why people would sell this.

Has our society become so vain that in order to loss a little weight we're willing to risk the chance that our ass will leak? What does this say about us? Right now America is not making a lot of friends in the world and as soon as they found that we have leaking asses, forget about it. America will be looked at by the world the same way as that kid in school who carried a 60 Minutes lunch box. America is putting itself in a position to get the world's biggest weggie, which, as you can well imagine, won't be good for our oil leaking asses.

So what do we do to prevent this weggie of epic proportions? Well, we can start by saying hey, I'm not going to eat anything that will make my ass leak! That may sound like common sense, but apparently it's not. The other thing we can do to get the world to start taking us seriously again is put an end to all these reality shows. I realize that's another topic altogether, so I won't go there right now, I just want to make sure you're all aware that Mr. Personality could mean the end of America. Now put down that Olestra filled chip or I'll beat you with my shoes, just ask Philadelphia, I mean it!!!