03.05.03 - It's Not Hip To Be Square
Did you know that it costs like seven cents more to mail a square envelope than a regular shaped envelope? I only learnt about this the hard way. When my wife and I got married she wrote out the thank you cards on these very nice square cards which she had purchased in England, which apparently doesn't have the problem with them costing more to mail. I was given the simple task of bringing these cards to the post office to mail. How was I to know that I would almost be banned from the post office for life.

I went the post office in Kendall Square in Cambridge, because that's just where I happened to be at the time. I handed the nice lady my box of cards and that's when she informed me about the "square envelope tax". All of a sudden I had visions of me dressed as an Indian dumping letters into Boston Harbor. When I asked her why such a thing would come to be she replied with the following quote, and I want you to know that it is a quote, "Well sir, square envelopes aren't rectangular so we have to charge more to mail them." Oh, yes, now I see. Thanks for clarifying that.

Here is a transcript of our conversation:
"What??"
"Well sir, are machines are only capable of handling rectangular pieces of mail, not square mail, that's why we have to charge more."
"But a square is a rectangle."
"No it's not sir. A square has four equal sides, a rectangle does not."
"What??? A square is always a rectangle, a rectangle is not always a square. It's basic geometry they teach it to you in like the third grade."
"Sir, I'm afraid you're mistaken. Square's are not rectangles, if they were our machines could handle them, but since they have four equals they are not rectangles and our machines can't handle them, so we have to sort them by hand."
"What??? (are you beginning to see a pattern here?) Assuming for a second that a square is not a rectangle, which it is, are you trying to tell me that your machines can't sort them because their sides are equal?"
"Yes."
"So if I had a 'rectangular' envelope with a width of say this (points to the width of the square envelope) your machine could handle it?"
"Yes."
"And if I had say another envelope with a height of say this (points to the height of the square envelope), that wouldn't be a problem either?"
"That is correct."
"But, if I put them together the machine can't handle it?"
"Yes."
"That's !@#$ed!! You got screwed on those machines!!"
"Sir please!

Anyway, you can see that things just weren't going to get better from that point on so I won't bore you with all the details, especially since most of the dialogue from that point out is just profanity anyway. So what did I learn from this little experience. Well, first I think our public servants should be given basic math tests before they're hired, and one of those questions should be about squares and rectangles. Second I learned the US Postal Service got totally screwed on those sorting machines. Thirdly my wife learnt never to send me out to do things like that because most likely I'll end up calling her from a holding cell in Cambridge. Before I leave you I would like to ask all the geometry teachers in this great land of ours to please make a field trip to your local post office and educate the workers about basically geometry. This is your call to arms. Idiocy needs to be stamped out (yes, pun intended).