04.22.03 - Red, White, and Junk Food
Boston is the cradle of liberty, the Athens of America,(look out R.E.M.) and true red, white, and blue. Then why is it that you just can't get a decent burger in this town? I've been here 11 years, and I can't find one that can be seen in the same room as the ones I grew up with in Texas. The ones I spent my allowance on, I'm not ashamed to admit. As well as BBQ, Tex-Mex, swimmng holes, chili, cheerleaders, killer bees, and fire ants, my home state has the best hamburgers in the known universe. In New England, they always assume that to make a great hamburger they have to build up. No no no. Ya build wiiide! Like, 8 inches wide. No purple onions, sprouts, or other fancy-schmancy shenanigans. The fries should include several so saturated with oil they're practically tranparent. This heaping load should be served wrapped in paper(no logos) and spotted with grease, and the bun should be lightly toasted. Ahhhhhh.

By the way, what's the deal with the hot dog buns around here? They're like a slice of Wonder bread with a third slice in the middle to hold the dog, making the whole thing into a sort of "Y" shape. Stands for "Yankee" I say. The hot dogs in Maine have a surprisingly unnatural red color. Like the old Soviet flag. Or me in Cancun. Order a sausage pizza in Maine and I swear each piece of sausage will have an unnaturally red ring around it, like a mutant pistachio.

There are several things they do better than anyone in New England, but when I want quality junk food I know I have to make a special trip to somewhere between El Paso and Port Arthur. Even if it's just in my mind.